THE TAO OF FORGIVENESS

FROM HERE AND THERE

The Tao of Forgiveness

The other day I came across a mail I received about the Tao of Forgiveness. While going through it my mind floated back some 40 years through time, to the days a little after the Indo-Pakistani conflict around 1972, when we had returned to Ferozepur from our operational area. I was then about 21 years old fresh from the Military Academy and the Young Officer’s Engineering course, with zero experience but raring to go. Our then Commanding Officer Lt. Col. R S Trehan (now a retired Brigadier), was our mentor, philosopher, guide and a dear friend. An “asli” Punjabi from Layalpur now in Pakistan.  Ages ago, when the Army was so terribly regimented, we still had the guts to call him a friend. He was just like that. All five of us Second Lieuts then, owe everything to him our old man, for what we are today. So I thought I will share those days with you. 

On many Saturday evenings after a glass of beer in the mess with the old man, all of us bachelors, used to bundle into his ancient Fiat and reach paratha galli on the outskirts of Ferozepur city. There, over succulent parathas would begin our Tao of learning. His teaching without words and doing without actually doing. My first experience of it when I joined, was the personal and the professional confidence radiated by every soldier of my Signal Regiment, from Tom Malhotra (we called him Tom behind his back) who was our Second –in- Command, Officers, JCOs, Signalmen to the cooks slogging in the messes. Today I realize that perhaps Paratha galli was our true temple of learning. 

The old man never lectured, never taught. He observed and voiced his observations. His observations would begin from the cold winter air whipping in through the open windows of the car, to the origins of the universe to potatoes, the cabbage or the mince contained in the parathas. Every time the subjects varied. Sometimes it was military history, sometimes philosophy, some other times were observations on human weaknesses, of intellectual, professional and emotional shortcomings or bindings.

During one of our evenings out, his observations touched upon forgiveness. That fateful day I was the target of his observations. “Ajay I observe that oftentimes you tend to lose your shirt”. I said “yes I do very much”. His next comment was, think over an occasion you lost your temper, think over the why and lastly was anything achieved and did it make you joyful. Then, he said while we have our parathas narrate us your observations. It was a tall order for a twenty-one year old with zilch experience of life. Yet I felt, rather  all of us felt, that whatever the old man had in mind that day was something profound, all five of us youngsters stopped all conversation and lapsed into silence.

I had very little experience of life at that point of time. After some time I narrated the incidence of Naik Sharma, the best radio mechanic of my Radio Engineering Company absconding, means going home without leave. Knowing the imminent deployment of our radio detachments he had no business to do so, I awarded him 14 days rigorous imprisonment for this offense on his return. Here’s the conversation that followed.

Did he ask for leave? Yes sir, it was for his sister’s marriage. Is he a habitual absconder? No sir. Why did you not sanction his leave? My radio detachments were to be deployed; hence I told him you can go on leave later. Did he tell you he can’t postpone his sister’s marriage? Yes he did sir. Did you get angry when he went AWOL (Absent With Out Leave)? Angry? Sir that’s putting it mildly. Why were you angry? Think. Was it because you would not be able to perform the given task well or was it because you felt insulted and personally slighted?

Long pause from my side then I answered. Sir on hind sight, I think it was my ego which was hurt more than the case of not being able to deploy my detachments, after all the operational deployment went off without a hitch. I now see I should have been more empathic in my listening. Then was the final missile from the old man, why did you not forgive him? Amazing I thought, forgiveness coming from the old man, a virtual Lion eater, that too for an act of indiscipline and gross disobedience of orders and in the army?

I said Sir it’s not done, forgiving such an act. Well you agree it was not his fault aside from the discipline aspect of it? Well if you perceive it in that manner yes sir. Do you think he will do such a thing again? No sir. You punished him because of your anger right? Yes sir. Was anything achieved, other than perhaps the satisfaction of your ego? No sir but it did set an example to the others in a way. Did you feel joyful after that? No sir, inside I still feel sorry and unhappy about the incidence. You don’t forgive very easily do you about perceived insults and slights on yourself? No sir. You carry that burden till you get your revenge? Well sir revenge is a rather strong word, but yes I think so subconsciously somewhere yes. Then if you would subtract these feelings you will be more joyful? Well yes sir if one thinks like in that manner. So he said now what are your observations on hindsight as you put it? I thought about it for a long while before answering.

In life Sir, I think people will act and behave against you all the time. It is always good to think in an empathic manner about the reason why people act and behave that way. People are all possibly good, but circumstances, or sometimes learnt behaviors, make them act in a way which I perceive as slights on self. I think I need to understand people more deeply. I must change my way of thinking, maybe my learned behaviors of the concepts of being insulted or slighted? If I change my way of thinking in this manner, the emotions of hate, of anger of being insulted and slighted may not arise at all. I have a glimmer of understanding now, that possibly it is the way I think, leads to hate, to anger or to that matter any emotions? Perhaps with this new thinking, I would have sent Sharma on leave at the outset, or I would not have thought about it as a personal insult and would have held myself responsible and forgiven him and stood up for my decision, though against the grain of the Army? I think I have begun to see, that thinking in this way is similar to living in forgiveness, which sir you often speak about. 

There was total silence except for the chomp chomp of the munching of the parathas. I could hardly believe that I, still green about the ears could express so much. The old man sat quietly for quite some time, intermittently sipping from the tall lassi glass our desert. Finally he broke the silence and said gentlemen, I like the expression Ajay used “Living in Forgiveness”. To amplify the thing further I will narrate to you a story. It’s called the Tao of Forgiveness. So it came about what changed my life forever.

One day, a sage gave one of his disciples an empty sack and a basket of potatoes. 'Think of all the people who have done or said something against you in the recent past, especially those who you cannot forgive. For each of them, inscribe the name on a potato and put it in the sack.' The disciple came up with quite a few names, and soon his sack was heavy with potatoes. 'Carry the sack with you wherever you go for a week,' said the sage. 'We'll talk after that.'

At first, the disciple thought nothing of it. Carrying the sack was not particularly difficult. But after a while, it became more of a burden. It sometimes got in the way, and it seemed to require more effort to carry as time went on, even though its weight remained the same. After a few days, the sack began to smell. The carved potatoes gave off a ripe odor. Not only were they increasingly inconvenient to carry around, they were also becoming rather unpleasant.

Finally, the week was over. The sage summoned the disciple. 'Any thoughts about all this?'

'Yes, Master,' the disciple replied. 'When we are unable to forgive others, we carry negative feelings with us everywhere, much like these potatoes. That negativity becomes a burden to us and, after a while, it festers.'

'Yes, that is exactly what happens when one holds a grudge. So, how can we lighten the load?'

'We must strive to forgive.'

'Forgiving someone is the equivalent of removing the corresponding potato from the sack. How many of your transgressors are you able to forgive?' 'I've thought about it quite a bit, Master,' the disciple said. 'It required much effort, but I have decided to forgive all of them.' 'Very well, we can remove all the potatoes. Were there any more people who transgressed against you this last week?' The disciple thought for a while and admitted there were. Then he felt panic when he realized his empty sack was about to get filled up again.

'Master,' he asked, 'if we continue like this, wouldn't there always be potatoes in the sack week after week?'

'Yes, as long as people speak or act against you in some way, you will always have potatoes.'

'But Master, we can never control what others do. So what good is the Tao in this case?'

'We're not at the realm of the Tao yet. Everything we have talked about so far is the conventional approach to forgiveness. It is the same thing that many philosophies and most religions preach - we must constantly strive to forgive, for it is an important virtue. This is not the Tao because there is no striving in the Tao.'

'Then what is the Tao, Master?'

'You can figure it out. If the potatoes are negative feelings, then what is the sack?'

'The sack is... That which allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is something within us that makes us dwell on feeling offended.... Ah, it is my inflated sense of self-importance. 'What will happen if you let go of it?' 'Then... The things that people do or say against me no longer seem like such a major issue.'

'In that case, you won't have any names to inscribe on potatoes. That means no more weight to carry around, and no more bad smells. The Tao of forgiveness is a conscious decision to not just to remove some potatoes... but to relinquish the entire sack.

So we drove off into the night, thinking about what the old man had said. Little did I realize then, as to what profound effect this particular evening was to have on my entire life.

Ajay