ON “HONOR” AND KNOWING YOUR TEAM - A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE.........

The other day I got my hands on a very old postal first day cover, showing the Chetwood Hall at the Indian Military Academy located at Dehradun. That got me contemplating on the inscription written at the Chetwood Hall, by which we passed out as “Officers and Gentlemen” 42 years ago. Our spanking new uniform tunics crinkling in slow March, to the tune of Auld Lang Syne (incidentally written by Robert Burns) and played by the Indian Military Academy Brass Band. The Inscription read something like this.                    
"The safety, honor and welfare of your country comes first, always and every time. The safety, honor, welfare and comfort of the men you command, comes next. Your own ease, comfort and safety comes last, always and every time." 

Picking out the second line “The safety, honor, welfare and comfort of the men you command, comes next.” The word “Honor” stands out ever so brightly, especially when it is connected to team members, working in teams. As a matter of fact this complete line could be called the Bible of Team leadership. The word “Honor” here not just refers to what is reflected about the team member outside, but importantly how he looks at himself inside.

During my 28 year stint in the Indian Army as a Signals Officer, I learnt some very important lessons. One or two I have already shared with my readers. One of the most unforgettable lessons was the importance of team work. It was drilled into me, right from the times we were Gentlemen Cadets (GC’s) undergoing our Training at The Indian Military Academy, to the day I finally hung up my uniform 16 years ago. Tomes have been written on Leadership and Team Work and it’s a multibillion dollar Industry worldwide. I have nothing to say on that.

What I want to do today is to just share my observations on the subject very simplistically with respect to “Honor” of Team members working with us as Team Leaders. 

One fact I realize, which stands up above all else is that, “We have to carry” our team’s weakest member with the team. No amount of team or individual success is ever worth it, if we abandon any weak member and discard his/her services. The cost is “loss of honor” for that member. When we delve into reasons for this happening, it is always primarily a failure of the Team Leader than maybe the rest of the team members. Another reason I observed was that the Leader did not know his men as thoroughly as he should have. In the Army there are some practices by which we take care of our own. As team Leaders, we drink from the same mug; we eat from the same plate, feel their moments of distress and are there to share. As Team Leaders we are a part of the team when they are undergoing physical or technical Training, or on the hockey or football fields. 

We trust our teams to do the job and with our life. They too trust us, that as their leaders the team is more to us than our personal successes. Most importantly our team members have faith and trust that their “Honor or Izzat”, external or internal, will always be maintained, at all costs in an appropriate manner. May it be Training support, Emotional support, physical support whatever, it will always be forthcoming. Off course nobody can be perfect and we do have shortfalls. Being Human is human. Yet The Indian Army is the finest in the world. You will find over the ages, that in battle, the maximum casualties have been team leaders at all levels. That speaks tons.

After my retirement in 1997, I took up a second career (I call it as Phase II of my life) as a teacher, Trainer and Facilitator. As a teacher I chose to teach at a University and in colleges as an external faculty. As a Trainer and Facilitator, I started working with Manufacturing and Service Industry. Over the last 15 years I have had the chance to work with International Corporations like Mercedes, SKF Bearings, Sandvik Asia, Volvo, Thyssen Krupp to name a few, as well as Indian Companies like Kirloskars, Finolex, JK and a few others. As far as service industry is concerned, I have been a faculty at the Staff Colleges and Training Centers of Bank of Baroda and Bank of Maharashtra. So also I had a stint as a Personal Development Trainer and Facilitator for the Ratnagiri District Police Force some time ago.

I have picked on the second line of what is inscribed at the Chetwood hall for a reason. Therein is contained the word “Honor” of the men you command. This means you have to protect the honor of each member of your team before your own, always and every time.

What is meant by Honor of the men in your team? I feel it means how they look at themselves in terms of: integrity, principles, morality, honesty, goodness, fairness, decency, righteousness, probity, rectitude, trustworthiness and uprightness.

Shakespeare put it simply "If I lose mine honor," "I lose myself" [Antony and Cleopatra]

Can we really afford to let a team member, loose himself his “honor” within his own eyes and self and outside? No we certainly cannot. It will result in a myriad of problems in the team, starting from failure to reach assigned objectives right up to the disintegration of the team. Who is responsible? It’s The Team Leader. Money cannot by Honor.

Let us look at our “Team Family” as a start point. Here are a few examples of making your team members loose honor within their own eyes and self. Are you as a Team Leader, or head of family, may be as a father or mother protecting the honor of your children, wife/husband and anyone who stays with you? I can think of many incidences but they will differ from culture to culture. Yet one will get the idea with a couple I narrate here.
Think of the times when you blamed your son if the car did not start or you did not find your papers? Of the times when you yelled at your daughter being improperly dressed for a function? Over the times when you were distraught over the company she kept? Or yelled at your son for driving the motorbike into the fence? Or for him not doing well in academics? Telling your wife how stupid she is, can’t keep up with the house accounts. The list will be endless.

On closer inspection you will realize that you as head of Team Family are not protecting the Honor of your family members. How much time do you spend with your team members? Do you really know your wife/husband your children well? Do you remember that you told your son to charge the car battery on Sunday, but have you trained or shown him how to do it? Did you tell him to keep your important papers in the drop drawer of your Roll top? Did you know your daughters dressing habits and tell your daughter in time, what dress you would like her wear. Did you try to ever meet your daughter’s friends and get to know them, understand their thinking before writing them off at the cost of distancing your daughter? Did you teach your wife how to organize the house accounts and what you would like to expect from her? Well now try and put yourself in their shoes.

How would it be if you as Head of Team Family   :

1. Organized your home with some common purpose with clearly defined objectives for each team member.

2.  Made everybody committed to some goals

3.  Created synergy by understanding each other first then working together.

4.  Had open communication channels, the result of knowing your team members well.

5.  If you promoted trust and agreed to do whatever was necessary to overcome shortfalls. Including training your charges, their safety and welfare and protecting their honor.

6.  Encouraged mutual support and tried to practice empathy with your wife and children.

7.  Changed your interactions to problem solving rather than blaming.

8.  You will realize that all the above requires you to know your family in depth. In essence you require to devote more time for your family to know them, understand there feelings, their capabilities so also their shortcomings. You have to carry all of them for a joyful and successful life.

If you look closely the same principles apply at your place of work, Society and finally your country.

While working in Industry as a Trainer and Facilitator I found that very few leaders knew their team members well. It was mostly shift to shift or 9 to 5 interaction. As a leader if you do not know your men well, it is difficult to protect their honor. I realized that many team issues: be it productivity, quality, discipline, absenteeism, habitual late coming and trouble making mostly boiled down to the team members “honor” ground in the dust, due to  leaders not knowing their charges or team members well. In fact I have seen Training Matrices being prepared by Team Leaders without  properly knowing the capability of charges, to the extent of not even asking the concerned team member his assessment of himself . Spending extra time with them was a far cry. Obviously at some stage that particular worker will contribute to some shortfall in production either in Quality or Quantity. He will be blamed and put on some other work, end of his honor. This is seen at all levels.

Some aspects of knowing your men other than your interactions in office or the shop floor:

1.  Caste.

2.  Village/Native Place

3.  Educational Qualification

4.  Division/Merit.

5.  School where studied.

6.  College where studied.

7.  Name of father.

8.  Profession of Father.

9.  Where is father living alive or not.

10.  Name of Mother alive or not.

11.  Number of Brothers and sisters.

12.  Details of married Sisters.

12.  Name of his Wife. Date of birth.

13.  Names of his children.

14.  Where do the children study.

15.  Details of property.

16.  Details of transport.

17.  Family/Property disputes if any.

18.  His aspiration for his children.

19.  His aspirations for himself.

Ø  Have you met his children?

19.  Have you had a meal with him outside or in the company cafeteria?

20.  How many times have you talked to him about his personal life?

21.  Have you visited his home?

22.  Do you wish him on his festivals?

23.  Do you wish him on birthdays?

24.  Has your wife visited his family? How many times?

25.  Do you take time to visit him/her during sicknesses?

If one really follows the principle of “Knowing your team” then you will find that the team will work wonders. A pat on the back on the shop floor, some time spent there with your man, a casually asked question how is your training going? Do you now feel confident to operate the robot welding station? What happened yesterday about the quality of weld? You will get ample feedback. At the lunch table a quiet empathic chat about things at home, will elicit a flood of responses, so also you will come to know your team member better. People told me that this system of team working does not work anymore.  I worked this in industry and it brought wonderful results. The plus point also was that Leaders now started facing their in authenticities or Facades, that in itself is not a minor achievement. I can tell you if you are an authentic and a genuine person while dealing with your team, you get back more than what you give, in terms of everything, including fulfillment of objectives and much much more. You will in addition get back exactly the honor which you have promised to, and protected in your team members: integrity, principles, morality, honesty, goodness, fairness, decency, righteousness, probity, rectitude, trustworthiness and uprightness. Money cannot after all buy Honor. Though there are some systems which equate only money to performance. Well that is not exactly a happy state. After having done and said everything we deal with people and their joyfulness is of paramount importance.

If you can carry the team to its objective with the honor of the whole team intact, you have done your job well. You may or may not get accolades for your efforts but you would have gained people. After all life is about people, but rest assured when you work for the honor of the team and its members, it is the best way of honing an outstanding team.

This reminds me of a story……

 Sometimes we forget the most important lessons life has to teach us………

In olden times, a fable retells the story of the young athletic boy hungry for success, for whom winning was everything and success was measured by such a result.

One day, the boy was preparing himself for a running competition in his small native village, himself and two other young boys to compete. A large crowd had congregated to witness the sporting spectacle and a wise old man, upon hearing of the little boy, had travelled far to be a witness too.

The race commenced, looking like a level heat at the finishing line, but sure enough the boy dug deep and called on his determination, strength and power … he took the winning line and was first. The crowd was ecstatic and cheered and waved at the boy. The wise man remained still and calm, expressing no sentiment. The little boy however, felt proud and important.

A second race was called, and two new young, fit, challengers came forward, to run with the little boy. The race was started and sure enough the little boy came through and finished first once again. The crowd was ecstatic again and cheered and waved at the boy. The wise man yet remained still and calm, again expressing no sentiment. The little boy, however, felt proud and important.

"Another race, another race!" pleaded the little boy. The wise old man stepped forward and presented the little boy with two new challengers, an elderly frail lady and a blind man. "What is this?” quizzed the little boy. "This is no race" he exclaimed. "Race!” said the wise man. The race was started and the boy was the only finisher, the other two challengers left standing at the starting line. The little boy was ecstatic as he raised his arms in delight. The crowd, however, was silent showing no sentiment towards the little boy.

"What has happened? Why the people do not  join in my success?" he asked the wise old man. "Race again", replied the wise man, "...this time, finish together, all three of you, finish together" continued the wise man.
The little boy thought a little, stood in the middle of the blind man and the frail old lady, and then took the two challengers by the hand. The race began and the little boy walked slowly, ever so slowly, to the finishing line and crossed it. 
The crowd now was ecstatic and cheered and waved at the boy. The wise man smiled, gently nodding his head. The little boy felt proud and important.

"Old man, I understand not! Who is the crowd cheering for? Which one of us three?” asked the little boy. The wise old man looked into the little boy's eyes, placing his hands on the boy's shoulders, and replied softly .. "Little boy, for this race you have won much more than in any race you have ever ran before, and for this race the crowd cheers not for any winner!"

Have a wonderful day…….

Ajay

ON LOOKING GOOD

ON LOOKING GOOD

If you are browsing gems and want to quickly determine whether a clear stone is a diamond or not, there are easy tests you can apply without any special equipment. The popular test of scratching the stone across glass or metal isn't very reliable, and might just give you a damaged gem; instead, looking at the way the stone reflects light or if it fogs up when breathed on, can give you a better indication of whether or not it's a real diamond.

These tests rule out recognizable imposters because the tests rely on the way a real diamond refracts light, conducts heat, and looks up-close. Are there any tests to determine if people are authentic or not? Are they the same inside as they are seen outside? 

As far as a lay person is concerned, I do not think so. When a buyer gets a fake diamond and realizes that fact at some point of time, he/she is genuinely put to distress and the seller is whistling with happiness. However as far as people are concerned fakeness or in-authenticity genuinely harms the seller, by virtue of stress, depression and a total loss of the state of joyfulness.

Most of us have a pitiable need for looking good, and almost none of us are willing to face just how much we care about this need – even to the extent of being silly. And trying to look good to the world around does not look good, and oftentimes it can be seen through .
Just the threat of looking bad, meaning irrational, or being found wrong  or naive or silly (or something against whatever image we have made for ourselves), for most of us destroys even the possibility of “Being Authentic” or to put it simply "to be on the outside what we are on the inside."

The need to avoid the embarrassment or humiliation, which we imagine to be the result of looking bad to people, leaves us defensive, justifying all the time or petulant and bad tempered.  Unfortunately we behave in this manner at the cost of genuine joyfulness, a state which we were born in.

Delving a bit further into this “Looking Good” we will look at the way in which we perceive our world and our built in frames of reference.

Our Perception of the world (or how we see, feel and interpret the world around us)                                                           

The way we look at our world refers to our own thoughts, beliefs, biases, prejudicial religious, social and cultural bindings, and assumptions. These are through which we as individuals interpret and interact with the world, other people, and with our own selves. Everything in one's world is seen through the lens of one's developed perceptions. In fact what we see through these glasses is the reality for us for one's being. Through this lens is the way the world, others and oneself exist for us and this reality is thus inhibited and molded by our perceptions of the world around us. Therefore going by the same thought and looking at other people, their own perceived realities will be different than yours. If we look at this simplistically, it can be traced to our learned behavior and nature. This View of our World is formed through our experiences and people around us from child hood to date. These experiences could be attributed first to our parents, siblings, baby sitters, our nanny, may be grandparents if around us, there after school teachers, friends, peer groups and so on. Till one fine day, maybe after maturity, we develop a certain world view. 

What exactly is 'perception ' .
I will give here, a summary of what is described about perception classically in various books and fora to understand this term easily.

(a)   Our perception of something determines how  we relate to that  thing.

(b)   Perception decides our behavior in relating. To change behavior perceptions requires to  be changed.

(c)   Behaviour in addition to action includes thinking and feeling.

(d)  Change in perception can lead to a change in action, feeling  and  thinking.  

(e)  Two persons generally do not see the same  thing in the same way.

(f)  Perceptions differ due to different data inputs of the same thing.

(g)  Differences in processing the data. ( Depends upon our learned behaviour and nature)

(h)  Reconciliation can occur by sharing of data and own way of looking at it. 

(j)  It is a subjective experience of something hence there is  no right or wrong nor can we correct our perception.

      “Our Perceptions build maps in our heads: What things are or realities. What things should be – Our values. We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps without questioning their accuracy” Stephen Covey.

How our mind works (in my opinion). 
You see that whatever we experience are all thoughts.They could be from the Past, the Present or the Future. Our nature and learned behavior processes these thoughts which lead to emotions. Emotions are the roots of action.
For the same inputs the output in terms of emotions will vary between different people. Seeing something moving on the road, the thought a snake  in your path on a starry night will result in an emotion of fear in you. May be you will get ready to run based on your basic instinct of fight or flight. Why? because you have perceived it as a snake and also perceive/ have learnt that snakes are dangerous and a bite is mostly the "end". How ever a snake charmer in your place will be delighted to have found a snake. He will rush forward to grab it. To him its a means of lively-hood. A truck comes by and in the headlights you see the moving thing is nothing but a rope moved by the wind. Now what? You will stomp on the rope and go on your way. Why? Because in your learnt data bank, a rope is harmless, just used to tie things up. All a matter of perception, nature and learnt behavior. You never even thought that it could be something else other than a snake. A matter of perception too. Similarly looking good looks good is a matter of perception. Our perceptions on looking good lead us to being in authentic too so also resulting in multiple stresses and  loss of "Joyfulness" 

Though people do not agree with me, I call it a kind of programming or our own operating system (OS) which is our nature and behavior patterns. We can select an operating system for our computers, Windows 7, or Unix or whatever we choose to like. However for our own self, we are running an OS which is not our choice.  To put it in another way: World view could be said as the way we perceive the world, people around us, and our own selves, through our perceptions which are definitely the result of how we grew up, our nature and our behavior patterns. These become our frames of reference. Interestingly someone once said, “If people don’t walk your path, it does not mean that they are on the wrong one”. Now sit back and think, “How many times have you been a victim?” Surprised?

Going further the above paragraph is a part of our thinking mind and may be in conflict with our inner self. To give an example:                                                                                                                                      
We often hear grownups saying “I am afraid of the dark” please walk with me up to the bus stand. On closer investigation one finds, the person used to be locked up as a baby in a dark bathroom as a punishment for the days misdeeds or something similar.  As a grown up, we find that particular fear still persists. Here the inner self tries to tell the thinking mind, that there is nothing to be afraid of the dark, but no, by now there is a communication block between the inner or our true self (sometimes people refer to it as the soul) and the thinking mind. This results in stress and at times can lead to psychosomatic illness too.  

                                                                                                                         
Digressing a little, there is a remedy for this “Mimulus” which is for “fear due to known causes” in Dr. Bach’s flower Remedies. Surprisingly the use of this remedy has changed people totally. Those who had fear of dogs, closed spaces (Lifts), lizards, cockroaches, mice, of heights, of flying and many others.

Our Perceptual Restraint.        
                                                                                                                                     
The myriad of experiences one grows through, may they be religious, cultural, social and many others  jell into ones nature and behavior patterns and finally contribute to our glasses of perceptions as to how the world is (our world view) and then maybe how it should be. One can understand the above as “Perceptual Restraints”. To further explain “Restraints”. If you go to an Indian village, you will often find a bull tethered with a long rope to a stake dug into the ground. Now as far as the bull is concerned, his reality is only a circle, radius of that circle being the length of the rope he is tied by. Since the bull's experience is limited to that circle, the bull is unaware of the rivers, the oceans and the mountains and the world which exists beyond that circle. This is a classic case of a "Perceptual Restraint". The restraint in this case being the length of the rope.

If in the same village a foreigner, a girl, enters wearing shorts, the villagers might stone her, or hand her over to the police for indecency. The villagers cannot accept this clothing because they are experiencing a cultural restraint, although by no means it will be called indecent in her country. People say that when in Rome do as the Romans do. Yes true but that is for different reasons, another story.

Revealing for yourself your perceptual restraints through which you see the world, your true inner self and the public facade you use.  

You must honestly and in an unbiased manner examine for yourself the foundations of your perceptual glasses  and frames of reference through which you perceive as to who you are for yourself, relative to who you are for others. In short expose to yourself consciously, your true inner self and your external facade as exhibited for others. If you do this genuinely you will be shocked. Surprisingly, you will find that this awareness by itself (without further effort) relaxes a whole lot of restraints which shape the way of your being and acting  imposed by your prevailing way of looking at the world and your frames of reference. As a consequence, when you are living your normal life, or being a mother/father, or a wife/husband, or being an executive, or when you are being a leader, these restraints and through them the shaping imposed on your freedom to be and act are relaxed. Saying the same thing from another view point, such awareness increases your available opportunities for being and perceiving, imagining, creating, thinking, planning and acting. This results in a dramatically enhanced capability, capacity and importantly an inner joyfulness for living your normal life, or being a mother/father, or a wife/husband, or being an executive, or when you are being a leader.

                                                                                                                             
Be Authentic 
Being authentic is being and acting coherent with how you look at yourself on the inside and the facade (may call it as pretense) you put up for others on the outside. If these two are not congruent you are being in-authentic. This includes allowing others to hold you or see you or perceive you in a way you are not. The path to genuineness is being authentic about your differences in the way you really are and in the way you put up a facade on the outside. In other words face your in-authentic persona.

Are You Being Authentic?                                                                                                                                    
Most of us think of ourselves as being authentic. However, each of us in certain situations, and in certain ways, is inauthentic, probably all the time. Since we always avoid at all costs facing our in-authenticities, we are consistently in a state of being inauthentic or non genuine, not only with others, but with ourselves as well. The point is, you are inauthentic and you don’t know that you are being inauthentic. This is because over a period of time your facades become a reality for you. That is human nature. It also means that you have started fooling yourself that your facade for others is the real you.  That’s truly foolish and sure as sunrise will result in joylessness at some point not too far off.   

Here is something interesting:  Sartre's novels are perhaps the easiest access to this mode of describing authenticity: they often contain characters and antiheroes who base their actions on external pressures—the pressure to appear to be a certain kind of person, the pressure to adopt a particular mode of living, the pressure to ignore one's own moral and aesthetic objections in order to have a more comfortable existence. His work also includes characters who do not understand their own reasons for acting, or who ignore crucial facts about their own lives in order to avoid uncomfortable truths; Typically, authenticity is seen as a very general concept, not attached to any particular political or aesthetic ideology. This is a necessary aspect of authenticity: because it concerns a person's relation with the world, it cannot be arrived at by simply repeating a set of actions or taking up a set of positions.                        
     
   
All of us want to be admired and almost none of us is willing to face how much we want to be admired, and how easily we will fail being straightforward and completely honest in a situation where we perceive doing so threatens us with a loss of admiration. Unfortunately wanting to be admired “at all costs” is a typical learned behavior. We will do anything to be admired and the loss of authenticity seems a small price to pay, especially when you are not even aware that you are being inauthentic or non genuine, even if you did, are unaware that being inauthentic costs you your inner joyfulness and results in stress, depression and a number of psychosomatic ailments.

If we look around us, it is so easy to spot inauthentic people.

The other day I was in meeting with a ops director of a company where I was scheduled to conduct a soft skills development Training Program for workers. To me he says "tune them up so that they cause minimum trouble. I am not concerned about their families and their troubles as long as they give out put". "I am not going to give them a raise, I have put it forward to another point of time". Just a few minutes ago I had heard him addressing workers with big smiles, : "I am very concerned about your well being and of your families, not to worry we are not only here for you but your families too. The company is here because of your efforts, we are only helping you to achieve. About you raise it is under consideration of the board. Etc Etc......" He never realized that he was not being genuine.

Often times I have heard and read, that being authentic is bad for leadership with a whole lot of examples. Every time I have found that the leader is not being genuinely authentic.                                       

I repeat here for those: The point is, you are inauthentic and you don’t know that you are being inauthentic. This is because over a period of time your facades become a reality for you. That is human nature. It also means that you have started fooling yourself that your facade for others is the real you. That’s truly foolish, it may result in you trying to disrupt a team by using the maxim "I am authentic" so I must point out deficiencies in the people of the team, equipment, working processes and a whale of other related issues. While all the time you are acting through your facade and not in congruence with your espoused principles. 

If you don’t recognize being inauthentic when you are and if you are not willing to face that you are being inauthentic, you have no chance of being authentic leading to loss of internal joy of living. So face and examine your in-authenticities. Examine your world view and perceptual restraints, accepting is half the battle won. Change your thinking.                                                                                                                           

Sit in silence (as explained in my blog Comments on the Tao of learning) three times a day. This will help you to find the path of authenticity. It will also open communication between your thinking mind and the inner self, this will definitely help to remove your perceptual restraints. At some point of time (you may or may not realize it), you will become a genuine person, authentic, radiant, and importantly you will experience the joyfulness in your being. Don’t worry you look great already !!!!!!

Ajay

A COMMENT ON MY BLOG “THE TAO OF FORGIVENESS”

From Here and There

A COMMENT ON MY BLOG “THE TAO OF FORGIVENESS”

Jyotsna Jadhav15 April 2013 08:55

"Ajay Kaka is it easy to forgive the ones (near ones/ so called loved ones) who have hurt u the most??? where in it is not the 'inflated' but just the sense of belongingness that is badly scratched? how?"

I am sorry my reply to your question was too long. Therefore it was rejected in reply column. Hence I am putting up a reply as another blog.

My answer would cover three blogs, which I would like you to read carefully.

1. The Tao of Forgiveness. ( On which you have commented)

2. Some thoughts on spiritual growth.

3. Usted Felz, or Are you happy.

Firstly: I would like to get one thing clear. You and you alone are responsible for your state of joyfulness or otherwise. Why do you get the feeling of being hurt? Because in your perception you expected others to behave in a particular way so you would remain joyful. Remember nobody has the power to make you happy or unhappy, you are happy, Your joyfulness depends on you alone. You have to take full responsibility “here and now” for everything you experience, for what you are, what you have and what you do. Because it is your own programming, or your learnt behavior and your nature, that creates your actions on your experiences, so also these actions influence the actions of people around you. Now think why your sense of belongingness was badly scratched? Was your joyfulness slightly overly dependant on your sense of belongingness? Which one would call one of our comfort zones? Putting it simply was your belongingness to a particular family or organization instrumental in making you joyful? 

From your response it was. In essence your sense of belongingness was instrumental in making you joyful! Against our principle “You are happy, Your joyfulness depends on you alone”. So now please learn to love yourself first, to change and get out of your myriad of comfort zones, to understand that nobody has the power to make you joyful “You are joyful within yourself.” Not even your husband, your children or any of your loved near and dear ones. Now read my blog mentioned at 2 &3. Implement. 

If you change your thinking consciously, your emotions will change automatically. Thinking mind you can train and control, emotions are out of your hands, no control, emotions will depend upon your learnt behavior which processes thoughts leading to those particular emotions. Now do you understand your emotion on the experience of your sense of belongingness being badly scratched. Because you thought that your sense of belongingness was important to your joyfulness. In reality your thought should have been: I am happy that I belong, but tomorrow I will still be happy if I don’t belong, after all I have to let go of a particular branch of a tree and alight on others to expand my horizons! Then what would be your emotions? To train your thinking mind I have included a simple system of  THE ART OF DOING NOTHING OR SITTING SILENTLY. Practice this for 20 minutes, 3 times a day, then see the changes in your thinking mind or the Vigyanmaya kosha.

Secondly: The concept of “to forgive”. Please read the blog on which you have commented above carefully. When you attain a state of “I am happy, my joyfulness does not depend on anyone”, then the question of “to forgive” does not arise at all. In the above blog: Reference  'Think of all the people who have done or said something against you in the recent past, especially those who you cannot forgive, scratch a potato for every such person, put it in a sack and carry this sack where ever you go.

The Master says quote  “'Forgiving someone is the equivalent of removing the corresponding potato from the sack. How many of your transgressors are you able to forgive?' 'I've thought about it quite a bit, Master,' the disciple said. 'It required much effort, but I have decided to forgive all of them.' 'Very well, we can remove all the potatoes. Were there any more people who transgressed against you this last week?' 

The disciple thought for a while and admitted there were. Then he felt panic when he realized his empty sack was about to get filled up again. 'Master,' he asked, 'if we continue like this, wouldn't there always be potatoes in the sack week after week?' 'Yes, as long as people speak or act against you in some way, you will always have potatoes.' 'But Master, we can never control what others do. So what good is the Tao in this case?' 'We're not at the realm of the Tao yet. Everything we have talked about so far is the conventional approach to forgiveness. It is the same thing that many philosophies and most religions preach - we must constantly strive to forgive, for it is an important virtue. This is not the Tao because there is no striving in the Tao. ''Then what is the Tao, Master?' 'You can figure it out. If the potatoes are negative feelings, then what is the sack?'

  

 'The sack is... That which allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is something within us that makes us dwell on feeling offended.... Ah, it is my inflated sense of self-importance. 'What will happen if you let go of it?' 'Then... The things that people do or say against me no longer seem like such a major issue.'   'In that case, you won't have any names to inscribe on potatoes. That means no more weight to carry around, and no more bad smells. The Tao of forgiveness is a conscious decision to not just to remove some potatoes... but to relinquish the entire sack. In other words to live in a state of constant forgiveness.

Therefore Jyotsna you cannot keep forgiving people, every day you will perceive somebody doing something against you, that means if your joyfulness depends on others you will be eternally unhappy because your sack of smelling potatoes will always remain full. Time to let go of the sack itself !

   THE ART OF DOING NOTHING OR SITTING SILENTLY

1. This is the art of doing nothing.

2. Can be done very easily by everybody. It does not take up too much time. It is required to be done 3 times a day for 20 minutes at a time.

3. Benefits : Relaxes the body, the brain/intellect and helps to alleviate all kinds of Stresses. This sitting silently allows the body to get rid of stress producing hormones and proteins like Cortisol and DEOH. Plus it also helps in producing Serotonin which is the chemical which makes us feel happy and joyful. Most importantly it gives rest to the mind. Meaning it carries out maintenance of our thinking mind. Further you will find that over a time you will require less sleep at night. Importantly you will train your thinking mind to let go of thoughts ( let thoughts come and go), and not react every time. So in your day to day life you will not react to negative experiences, those are also finally thoughts. These thoughts will come again but now you will not react but respond logically.

4. While sitting silently for 20 minutes we will not focus on 

anything, or on any thoughts. It is simply an art of doing nothing.

5. Remove your belt so that you are comfortable. Remove your glasses. Sit in a straight backed chair your buttocks touching the back of the chair. You must have support for your back.  Ankles crossed. Sit straight. However your head should be slightly bent forward from the neck to attain a comfortable position. Keep your hands in your lap, palms facing upwards, the palm of your right hand sitting in the palm of your left. If the chair has arm rests you may rest your elbows on the rest if you feel comfortable otherwise need not. Now close your eyes. Please tell your family members or friends not to disturb you in any way for 20 minutes. If anything is urgent they must only tap you on the head. You may come out of silence as explained later.

6. Relax your feet and toes, then your ankles, then calf muscles, then your thigh muscles, then your stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, arms, wrists and hands. Sit silently in this state. Let your thoughts come and let them go. Do nothing, do not try to stop your thoughts importantly do not get involved in your thoughts, let them come and let them go. Even sounds or smells from outside are thoughts let them come and let them go. Example a thought comes to you that you have to ring up your boss at 8 o clock about an important client message, now don’t start thinking what will the boss say, can you keep the client happy etc. That is getting involved, let that thought come and let it go. Similarly you hear a motor cycle horn outside don’t get involved in the sound by thinking who must it be now in the morning etc. let it come and let it go. Just do nothing. 

In the beginning there will be hundreds of thoughts coming and going gradually they will reduce and you will have periods without any thoughts. Starting maybe 10-15 secs you will have no thought periods, slowly over the days , weeks, months, years these periods without thoughts will increase. We have to achieve nothing, nothing will happen, do not have expectations as to this will happen or that will happen. Just continue 3 times a day for 20 minutes. If your head bends forward more let it. No problems. But do not let it bend backwards and take support/rest against a wall or something, the moment your head gets support/rests against a wall you might fall asleep. You may fall asleep initially if you are too stressed. Do not worry when you wake up don’t get up suddenly you may feel groggy, continue sitting silently till your 20 minutes are up.

7.  Coming out of silence. Initially you can set your mobile or clock alarm for 20 minutes. After some practice you will automatically know that 20 minutes are up. For coming out of silence, do not open your eyes. Move your hands first, rub your palms against each other, wipe your face with your hands, then wipe your arms and wrists, stretch your hands to the front once or twice. Then slowly blink your eyes 3-4 times, close them again for a few seconds then again open them very slowly. If you feel like sitting sit there for 3-4 minutes before getting up do sit.

8. Conditions. There are’t too many conditions. You must be a little bit hungry and a little bit tired that’s all. Therefore the right times are just before you have breakfast, before lunch and before dinner in the evening. You can practice this type of silence in a train, a bus or anywhere. There are no conditions except you must have some support/rest for your back. People at home or in office may make fun of you, do not worry. In the office you can easily spend 15- 20 minutes of your lunch time for meditating before lunch. It does not take more than 15 minutes to have lunch. This will be time well spent than just gossiping. Others will soon follow you.

  ON CARRYING OUR PERCEIVED BURDENS: A STORY

One day a sage, the leader of a particular religious sect was walking through rural India along with his disciples. The group was enlightening people and generally helping them for the betterment of their lives. This particular sect, part of a religion had very strict rules. One of them was not to even look at women. They were supposed to avoid even a glance. 

As they finished preaching in one village they set out for the next one. On their way in the hot sun at noon, they came to a river. It was very fast flowing and the stones to cross over were under water. On the near bank a very beautiful lady was sitting and crying. So the sage asked her “my dear why are you crying?” The women replied “Sir my baby must be hungry and crying in my house on the other side, I am late from work and I am afraid to cross the river as the stones are underwater”. “I am really worried about my hungry and crying baby. I do not know what to do”. So the sage without a second thought lifted her, slung her on his shoulder, like in a fire mans lift and proceeded to cross the river. On reaching the other side he put her down and the group went on their way. 

By evening the group was on the outskirts of another village. The sage found that one of the disciples was markedly silent, neither conversing with him or others of the group. So he approached him and asked him, “Son are you ill or not in comfort, as I see you have been silent and not conversing with any one for a long time now.” The disciple replied “no Guruji I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me.” So the night was spent in another village and the grouped moved on. 

After 3 days and 3 nights the sage found that the disciple was still silent and most non communicative. So he again approached him and asked the disciple about his welfare. Again he received the same reply, “I am perfectly fine Guruji”. This time the sage insisted that he be open and frank, so also to be forthright and without fear and tell the sage what was troubling the disciple.

Upon hearing the sage, the disciple spoke thus. “Guruji, I have never disobeyed you nor questioned you actions, yet today I am very unhappy. In our faith we are not even supposed to look at women, Yet 3 days ago you carried an extremely beautiful woman in such a way, that you were touching and feeling her most intimate and private parts”. On hearing this, the sage smiling replied thus. “Son, I decided on the spur of the moment to help her, after carrying her across the river and setting her down, in a few minutes I forgot about her, yet here you are, it is now 3 nights and 3 days and you are still carrying that women” So folks let go of your past burdens, your perceived insults,injustices and injuries, start anew burden free and remain joyful. To do this Sitting silently as told above is a good to do thing.

Lastly:  Jyotsana I hope this helps and all the best. Thank you for your comment.

You can use some music to initially help you with sitting silently. It is a 20 minute cut from Ganapati Sachidanand Swami's Celestial Message in his Music for meditation collection. You can down load from here

https://sites.google.com/site/ajayukidve/mp3

CHEERS!